I'm guessing this is a big test. My moms gone for four days of the week [ Every week. ], and my sisters and one niece have moved out. My dad is away everyday at work, and my other niece is forced to sit downstairs on the couch next to her sleeping mother, Jenny. My brother avoids me.. And Brandon is drifting away..

I don't connect with anybody I know.. It's odd. I feel so dettached, like invisable. Is that too cliche? Everythings changed..

Except for me.

I wish I atleast had Brandon. But as things go.. Shit happens, and I lose him over and over. Speaking of Brandon, and losing..

I lost so much self-esteem. So much of.. a deeper part of me. I don't know how to explain it. I feel so hollow.. after he exploded on me. Those things he said ripped me apart on the inside, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..

Will I ever get over it? It's been a day and the wounds are still open and bleeding like mad [ Not literally ].

I don't know how he feels about what happened.. But a part of me deep down knows he feels like he was right. I imagine he feels tons better after that. Thanks, I suppose. You lifted a weight off of your back and put it on mine.

I wish I didn't feel so alone. Like a kid lost somewhere in a store. Nn..

But this entire ordeal has made me think hard, made me reflect upon myself.

Maybe he's right?

Maybe all of those things that he said were true..

Geez, I can't breathe. Am I horrible like that? Am I that.. pathetic? And am I so fucking stupid and unobservative that I never noticed? This is killing me. I'm dying, or atleast it feels like it.

Fuck. I wish I was a different person. A dfferent face, a different life. It seems like the longer I know Brandon, the more and more I hate myself. I get so uncomfortable inside when I'm talking to him.. He makes me want to hide away, possibly delete him off of my list. Out of my life.

I feel like dirt.

I feel I'm nothing to him, like I bother him constantly with my presense even though he always seems reluctant for me to be away for more than an hour.

But my whole shit hurts because of him. He says I'm selfish.. While I feel like I'm making sacrifices everyday for him. I don't know what to think.. He doesn't know me, he doesn't see the things I do.. It rips me apart inside everytime he calls me selfish. My insides scream out everything I've ever sacrificed, my mind traces back every memory of me getting hurt by him and forgiving him within the next 24 hours. Of me buying him presents only for him to reject them. Of me taking him back, taking him back, loving him, and loving him some more after he put me through a night of fucked up accusiations and mindfucks.

Don't get me wrong, though. You see. By saying these things I make him out to be this horrible monster.

Brandon is but an insect compared to some of the people I've met.

Mm.. I think I'm done, calm enough to go to bed now that I've ranted a fraction of what I'm feeling.